Ezy Reading: Conversation Overheard on January 2nd, 2005 at the Sydney Cricket Ground

Evan Kanarakis

The two drunks -let's call them Graham and Ed- sat in the grandstand, oblivious to the cricket match playing out on the field that had actually brought them there that day. But it was already three in the afternoon, the searing summer sun was well overhead, and they had been drinking since nine-thirty that morning. A test match between Australia and Pakistan was now of secondary importance.

Having exchanged accounts of their Christmas vacations, engaged in a heated discussion about the new inclusions in the Australian cricket side, and assessed 'at length' their respective top 5 all-time most desirable females (Charlize Theron and, controversially, Christine McGlade from the 1980's television show 'You Can't Do That On Television' made the final cut), they now moved on to New Year's resolutions.

Seeing as Graham and Ed had almost worked their way that morning through an entire packet of cigarettes, the whole 'I will quit smoking' resolution had already been wiped out as of January 2nd. The conversation had also coincidentally moved onto talk of resolutions just as another round of beer arrived, so 'cutting down on drinking' or 'get into shape' weren't exactly looking too convincing as pledges for 2005, either.

'Well I resolve to use my special powers for good. Never for evil', declared Graham as he nonchalantly tossed an empty beer cup into a Pakistani fan's head a few rows away.

Ed nodded in approval. 'Now that's a good one.' He stroked his chin deep in thought, took a gulp of beer, threw his cup at the increasingly irate Pakistani fan and stroked his chin again. After a pause he gasped, 'I've got it!' and bolted upright, a determined look on his face. 'In 2005 I resolve to be more desirable to females!!'

'Shudthafuckupandsitdownyacaaarnt!' screamed another drunk a few rows behind.

A flurry of beer cups bounced off Ed's head and he slowly sank back into his seat and leaned into his fresh beverage. 'At least you'll always be here for me, my sweet amber princess', he whispered, before kissing the beer cup.

'Actually, that's my beer, you prick', said Graham, snatching the drink from Ed's hands. 'You knocked your beer over when you stood up.'

Wearily, Ed put his arm around Graham. 'You know what we really should be doing, mate, is resolving to do some good sorta' stuff this year. Like being nice to people, helping folks out, that kinda' shit.'

'I like it', agreed Graham. 'And chicks dig charitable types.'

'So I've heard', grinned Ed enthusiastically.

At that exact moment a young man in his twenties, carrying a green bin labelled 'TSUNAMI AID DONATIONS' wandered down the aisle. He turned to Ed and Graham.

'Hey guys. Keen to donate some money for the victims of the tsunami overseas?'

Ed and Graham drunkenly leered at each other in silence. After a moment they searched into their pockets and pulled out their wallets. Still without a word, between them the two men placed three hundred and forty dollars into the bin 'all that they had in their wallets. It would have been three'hundred and twenty dollars, but for this exchange:

Ed: 'Hold up, mate. Maybe save twenty for another round of beers?'

Graham: 'Nah, Gazza's got the next round, and then Matt after that.'

Ed: 'How about the cab home?'

Graham: 'You can never get a cab after the cricket anyway.'

Ed: 'Good point. Chuck it in.'

Grateful, the young man thanked the drunks for their generous donation and moved on. Unmoved, the two friends returned to their drunken ramblings.

'You know what though, mate,' Ed slurred. 'I reckon Charlize Theron's rack is way too small for you to have her at number one. You need to have someone like Tyra Banks. Great set of watermelons right there.'

Graham scowled in disapproval. 'This is coming from the guy who picked a twelve year old former children's show host from 1985 as his most desirable female of all time?'

'Fair point', muttered Ed. 'I'll pay you that.' And, contented, he threw another cup at the Pakistani's head.

Ezy Reading is updated every money. To make a donation to victims of the Asian tsunami and earthquake tragedy, why not head to www.worldvision.org