Ezy Reading: The Best Movie I've Ever Seen While Drunk

Evan Kanarakis

Mind Storm (1996)
Made for TV.
Also known as Subliminal Seduction and Corporation (U.S.)

This past Friday, somewhere in a haze of far too many beers, vodkas and cigarettes than I'd care to remember, I stumbled home from a friend's birthday bash to discover one of the greatest-worst movies I've ever had the good fortune of coming across. Climbing into bed I flicked on the TV and, while channel'surfing to my standard drunken respite of watching video clips as I drift off to sleep, I was abruptly drawn into the glorious vortex of enjoyable crap that is the movie Mind Storm. I saw action and intrigue. I saw sex and violence. I saw really cheap special effects, cheaper nudie scenes and even cheaper acting.

Oh no, there would be no passing out in bed just yet...

I knew the movie would be good from the get-go. For starters, it was a made for television feature being screened at about three in the morning, which means it was definitely going to be a stinker of monumental proportions. Second, made for television movies shown at three am on a Friday night usually have plenty of soft'core sex scenes as something of an olive branch reward to viewers for sitting through all the bad acting, stilted dialogue and implausible plot'lines. Finally, and here was the real clincher, the star of this horrid train-wreck of a movie was none other than Ian Ziering of Beverly Hills 90210 fame. Yes, Steve Sanders was on deck in his first movie role, and free from Dylan, Brandon and the rest of the crew he was ready to flex his acting 'muscles'.

With all three vital ingredients for a classic aboard, trouble was brewing. Excited, I immediately rang my mate Duncan who I knew would be up overnight and meant to be 'working' a shift in programming at a Sydney television station. Duncan is an avid fan of The Naked News, Ultimate Fighting Videos and shooting people dead in X-Box games. I knew I would find in him a participant willing to allow his brain the anguish of a viewing.

Because this is a B movie, Ian's character had the porn-star-ready name of Darrin Danver. Put simply (and believe me, it WAS simple), the story saw Darrin, a hot young computer programmer, being recruited into the ranks of America's largest computer game design company, CTC. Everything starts out just great for Darrin and his neurotic wife Deb. The corporation offers them the good life, and in a Firm meets The Stepford Wives kinda' way everyone in the company is blindingly loyal and subservient to their employers, even as it seems some have 'hold on' died under suspicious circumstances. (Upon spying Deb, Duncan swiftly called to accurately inform me that Darrin's wife was in fact Katherine Kelly Lang of The Bold & The Beautiful fame and that she had a great rack. Excellent stuff.).

What Darrin, by way of a number of hilarious sex scenes involving showers and conveniently open venetian blinds soon discovers is that CTC is actually using computer games for mind control. Messages implanted into their game (chillingly called 'Amazing Mouse Race') not only subliminally encourage users to buy CTC's next game release, but to do things like 'Go kill your neighbour', 'Cheat on your wife', and 'Better take off that bra because this dialogue is putting the audience to sleep'.

Don't get me wrong, this is rubbish of the highest order. IMDB.com reports that Mind Storm's writer also penned such successful hits as Body Chemistry 4, The Skateboard Kid 2 and Poison Ivy: The New Seduction. Still, words really can't explain how horrendously good this movie truly was in all its disaster. A couple familiar acting faces even show up along the way, just to remind you that while they're not yet dead, their careers certainly are.

Somewhere in the drunken stupor of Friday night, I managed to record the SMS text dialogue that Duncan and I kept through the movie. Here it is now, for your reading pleasure. Enjoy:

Having just called Duncan and demanded he stop working and start watching 'Mind Storm' we settle into watching our first nude scene of the movie and begin our text message conversation:

Ezy: Damn! It's Steve Sanders! This movie is REALLY going to suck!

Duncan: I can't stop watching, he is truly one of the greats. Terrific plot.

Ezy: Ziering was just sitting at a roulette table and in a monotone told his wife, 'I'm on the comeback trail. I'm up a buck.' I don't think that line was meant to be delivered deadpan.

Duncan: Her breasts are magnificent. (Katherine Kelly Lang, in the role of Darrin's wife, Deb)


Ezy: Ziering is falling prey to the mind control! Look away from the screen, Ziering! Look away now!!!

Duncan: Best line yet' 'You don't understand. I was sent to seduce you.'

Ezy: Ziering just won the Oscar. 'I'm not angry, Angie. It's not you, it's me. GOD I LOVE MY WIFE!' (Screamed out after sleeping with his secretary, having just been told earlier by a computer game to cheat on his wife)


Duncan: This movie was made in 1996. So why are the graphics on a game made by 'the most powerful game designer in the United States' looking like a game of pong on a '77 Hanimex 2000? This movie blows.

Ezy: This stuff is pure gold. I'm getting hot under the collar.

Duncan: What this movie needs now is a good g******g scene. (Offensive word kindly deleted by Editor)

Ezy: Hey! That guy was on Magnum P.I! Wow. He's still alive. Nice. (Not Higgins and not the black chopper pilot. The 'other' guy)


Duncan: I'm watching Naked News in the ad breaks.

Ezy: Lesbian scene coming up soon, surely.

Duncan: Ooh! Ziering is playing tennis now.

Ezy: His forehand needs work.

Duncan: $10 bucks this turns into a man on man scene over the tennis net.


Ezy: She's taking her top off again.

Duncan: She's had work done.

Ezy: I don't care.

(Deb unwittingly discovers some secret computer files, puts one disc labelled 'Leather and Pleasure' into her computer and, via mind control, it starts inducing her to orgasm. Comedy of the highest order).

Duncan: I haven't seen 'Leather and Pleasure' advertised on the X-Box yet. Sounds good.

Ezy: This is now officially the best film I have ever seen drunk.

Duncan: Surely she could do a bit of a**e f*******g?
(Offensive suggestion kindly deleted by Editor)


Ezy: I think that's the mum from E.T!

Duncan: She looks like she's on crack.


Duncan: I wish E.T would appear. He could probably save this movie.

Ezy: There's the guy from Magnum P.I again!

Duncan: He looks a bit like Huey Lewis.

('The guy from Magnum P.I', in the role of Ian Ziering's boss and neighbour, is also responsible for beating up his wife 'the Mum from E.T. He's just deleted all of the incriminating evidence before taking his life in a toilet cubicle. Ziering rushes in after hearing the gun shot and proceeds to make one of the most hilarious 'My God, the horror! The horror! faces ever seen in film history).

Ezy: How gold was Ziering's facial when he just entered the toilet cubicle to find the dead guy?

Duncan: You can't learn that level of acting.


Ezy: Where the f**k is my lesbian scene? This guy (Andrew Stevens, in the role of CTC's corporate head of operations) has been in all those 'Night Moves' flicks! Surely he doesn't sign on to a movie unless there's at least three lesbian scenes! I demand a lesbian scene!!

Duncan: Or at least a d****y f**k.
(Offensive suggestion yet again deleted by Editor)

Ezy: I've decided this is obviously a cautionary tale about the perils of too much Playstation and X-Box. But if you get to have sex with someone like that, then I'm sticking with the Playstation.

Duncan: Angela (Ziering's secretary, who he was photographed cheating on his wife with) knows more than she's letting on, could she be the kingpin?


Ezy: The irony of all this is that I've been glued to the set as if afflicted by the same mind control currently holding Ziering prisoner.

Duncan: Interesting that when she came out of the mind control experience the first thing she said was 'I can smell rotting cabbage.'

Ezy: Did that guy just refer to someone as 'Happy Hard On' and keep a straight face? Man, who writes this stuff? I want to meet him immediately and shake his hand.

Duncan: And also to ask for that woman's number.


Ezy: This is surely regarded as the best of Ziering's three films.

Duncan: It's an extensive catalogue.

(Looking up Ziering on IMDB.com...)

Ezy: Apparently in '95 Ziering made a movie called 'The Women of Spring Break.' Based upon the title alone we must find a copy immediately.

From IMDB.com:
Spring Break'
Anne is feeling trapped by her life as housewife. She convinces Denise and Claire to take off for spring break at Paradise Beach, just like they did twenty years before. Claire, who works for Euro Tropic suntan lotion, tries to avoid falling in love with Jean-Luc, the new product spokesman. Denise rekindles her old relationship with Mark, the perennial lifeguard. And Anne is approached by George (Ziering), the young desk manager at the hotel.

Duncan: Three-way NOW.


Ezy: Did she just exclaim, 'What about the distribution of Mouse Man? But we must save Mouse Man!' I think I saw her actually vomiting in her mouth while she delivered that last line.

(The shocking, dramatic conclusion finally arrives, but I missed it because I was in the toilet. The credits are rolling.)

Duncan: It feels so good to cry again.

Ezy: (not wanting to let on that I missed the ending, I merely state the obvious) That was simply magical.

Duncan: How can I possibly focus on work after that?

Ezy: I can die happy knowing Ziering stopped those evil mind controllers... I have to pass out NOW.


Duncan: Dream of Ziering, now and forever.

Ezy: Goodnight.

For the record, yes Duncan and I exchanged an inordinate amount of text messages while watching Mind Control, but in our defence, he was using a work phone, so didn't have to pay for any of it, and I was stinking drunk and didn't know any better.

Plus I was lost in the 'Ziering Aura.'

Bottom'line, go find this movie and watch it NOW. You'll thank me later. Just watch out for the SUBLIMINAL SEDUCTION.

Ezy Reading is out every Monday.