In the spirit of Halloween, this month's mocroscope is dedicated to those who are scared out of their mind about their current financial situation and the world economy. Never before in human history has the state of the world's economy been so exposed and easily mutilated by one Presidential Twitter account. So to help with your financial doomsday prepping, heed this advice.

Cancer – Eat the crusts off bread, so you won’t need to spend as much at the hairdresser.

Leo – Only go shopping with a kleptomaniac.

Virgo – Mix all your socks into odd pairs, that way you’ll never throw away an unmatched sock.

Libra – It’s okay to use bath water to make coffee for guests.

Scorpio – Never drive on a windy day. The increased wind resistance will cause you to use more petrol.

Sagittarius – If you keep your loose change in a jar, make sure to eat the jam first.

Capricorn – Don’t waste your money on a gym membership, get fitter by returning shopping trolleys you find on the street.

Aquarius – Always make ice tea with used tea bags.

Pisces – Don’t spend money on music apps, get tinnitus so you’ll always have something to listen to.

Aries – Use Deep Heat instead of lip balm. It’s cheaper than Botox.

Taurus – Extend the 3 second dropped food rule to 4 minutes.

Gemini – Have a sex dream. It’s cheaper than going to a sex worker.

Lazy Eye is out every month...