Cancer – Don’t spend money on music apps. Try to get tinnitus, that way you’ll always have something to listen to.

Leo – Don’t waste your money on a gym membership, get fitter by return shopping trolleys you find in the street.

Virgo – It’s okay to use bath water to make coffee for guests.

Libra – Never drive on a windy day. The increased wind resistance will cause you to use more petrol.

Scorpio – Only go shopping with a kleptomaniac.

Sagittarius – If you keep your loose change in a jar, make sure to eat the jam first.

Capricorn – Have a wet dream. It’s cheaper than going to a sex worker.

Aquarius – Mix all your matched socks into unlike pairs. That way you’ll never throw away a one sock again.

Pisces – Always make iced tea with used tea bags.

Aries – Eat the crusts off bread. It’ll make your hair curly so you don’t need to spend as much at the hairdresser.

Taurus – Use Deep Heat instead of lip balm. It’s cheaper than Botox.

Gemini – Extend the 3 second dropped food rule to 14 minutes.

Lazy Eye is out every month...