Gemini – A bird in the hand is... probably going to shit on you because it’s scared! Respect an animals timidity, for goodness sakes…

Cancer – Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for a day, show a man how to fish and... it’s going to test your patience. To be frank, untangling line and tying knots is frustrating as hell.

Leo – In for a penny in for a... bitcoin?

Virgo – Absence makes the heart... swipe right way more than it should. Heed the wise words of Beyoncé: “To the left, to the left...”

Libra – A stitch in time saves...  well, not much when you think about it. Sounds like a frayed end that’s the result of poor tailoring. Bespoke your hours.

Scorpio – Don’t cross a bridge until... you have the means to do it by yourself. Don’t expect a free ride from anyone.

Sagittarius – Good things come to those... who have forefathers who probably made their fortune off the servitude of others. Old money makes the world go round y’all, CHA-CHING!

Capricorn – Once bitten, twice... you’re possibly more kinky than the average person. Go find the right person to love.

Aquarius – The early bird catches... no peak hour traffic.

Pisces – People in glass houses shouldn’t throw... swingers parties.

Aries – Rats desert the sinking...Trump administration. Actually, they probably stay.

Taurus – Practice makes...”We here talkin’ 'bout practice… practice?!?”  Keep it real and make sure not to take quotes out of context.