Sagittarius – If you open up a can of worms, don't be surprised if a snake comes out!

Capricorn – Effort is a simple equation: 'If my effort went away today, would it matter and for whom?' Use this equation before you post something on social media.

Aquarius – Want a different perspective on life? Squeeze half a lemon in your eye.

Pisces – If Jay-Z has 99 problems, what do you suppose number 57 is?

Aries – Fight Club, Spaceballs and Ferris Bueller's Day Off all break the Fourth Wall of cinema. Has Donald Trump broken the Fourth Wall of racism?

Taurus – If there was an Ice Age tomorrow, would you ski or snowboard?

Gemini - Office politics is a massive pain in the arse! This month, start a Nerf Gun war at work and bust a cap in the SOB's who have been pissing you off.

Cancer – Things are a bit tough? Remember it took Nescafé 43 attempts to get their blend right. Keep on grinding.

Leo – Is a 'shit fight' something that doesn't reach its full potential, or a fight full of assholes?

Virgo – When you're steering an oil tanker, sometimes you ned to get out and use a speedboat.

Libra – If someone asks you to 'put your money where your moth is', ask if they accept Pay-Wave.

Scorpio – If the proof is in the pudding, how long do you put it in the oven for?