Scorpio – While the stars are in their current alignment, take control of your current workplace bullying issue. Remember there are three ways to control people: make them scared, keep them stupid and divide and conquer. This month, use all three at once and make someone shit their pants. Once everyone realises you’re in control, the office will become a laughable breeze.

Pisces – If governments pay top dollar for crude oil, how much would they be willing to pay for polite oil? There’s an opportunity for a new business in there somewhere...

Sagittarius – In order to be politically correct you must use Person First language e.g. a 'person with a disability', not a 'disabled person'. This month, be more politically correct when talking about sporting teams and use their politically correct names: The Packers of Green Bay and The Swans of Sydney. Do your part to force disgraced sports teams into changing their image and be person first.

Aries – If life had a remote control what would you change the channel to?

Capricorn – This month practice more self-awareness. Watch out for nature’s caller ID.

Cancer – Horoscopes are the degustation of food for thought. Eat up!

Libra – Racism is becoming more prevalent in today’s world and more forms seem to emerge every day. Here’s a short list: Casual Racism – only presents when you're relaxed. Neat Casual Racism – Only presents when making an off the cuff racist remark without vulgarity. Social Racism - only presents when you go out with friends. Road Racism - only emerges when driving. Formal Racism – appears when following a prescribed format and presenting it in an official setting. Ageist Racism - only used against old fuckers. Postmodern Racism – racism outside of the box. Your task for this month is to help shed light on other forms racism like 'couture racism', 'self-deprecating racism' and 'bus graffiti racism'. 

Taurus – In Michael Corleone’s view, Tom Hagen was sacked because he was not a “war time” consigliere. This month, seek out the consigliere that best first your needs. Some specialized options include a food & beverage consigliere, the second-hand fashion consigliere, a random YouTube clips consigliere, the Andaman Islands bars consigliere, a life hacks consigliere, the live music from the 90’s consigliere, and the noted Espionage movies consigliere. 

Gemini – Here’s a very important lesson: Miss Andry is the most misogynistic name you can call a feminist.

Aquarius – Most people hate change, least of all those with autism. This month, spare a thought for autistic people who need a new wallet. Nothing throws you off for a few weeks like adjusting to a new purse.

Leo – The pick-me-up you’re looking for is coming around the corner. During the 80’s there were many great TV sitcoms. The greatest of all was Charles in Charge! For the next month, hang out with someone named Charles and let them make all your life decisions. If this doesn’t get you out of that funk, nothing will.

Virgo – When you’re in church over the next few weeks, have a look at the poor box and ask yourself, “Does this poor box cost more than the donations inside?” Then make an appropriate donation.