Leo – Stress is one of the most common causes of health problems in modern society. Start a fake Twitter account, it’ll help you vent.

Virgo – You’re lonely. Get another job. In a few months it’ll be Christmas party season, and you and I both know everyone gets action at Christmas parties.

Libra – Legacy drives your sign this month. Michel Foucault used history as a reflection of archaic practices throughout “civilised” society. Is history going to say marriage inequality is our generation’s archaic practice?

Scorpio – Fact!: Aging is a problem we all face.  Fight aging and walk around with a skateboard, it’ll make you look 10-15 years younger. Make sure to do your homework though. Research your deck, trucks, wheels and bearings. You don’t want to look silly.

Sagittarius – Honour David Letterman’s recent retirement by using one of his jokes. Here’s a suggestion. Next time you’re in a lift announce, “I have new socks on!”

Capricorn – Add some spice to your relationship. Spoon facing your partner, then start a conversation. When your partner responds, cup their buttock cheeks and move your hands to make their cheeks move like the mouth of a puppet. Call it ‘bum puppets’.

Aquarius – Finances are tough this month. Try eating offal. It’s a cheaper cut of meat and has countless health benefits.

Pisces – Coming across intelligent is important. When contributing to conversations start with, “I read recently…” Not only does reading make you look smart, but if someone questions your facts, you can always disown them as not your opinion.

Aries – Been thinking of going somewhere unique? Stop it! There’s no place in the world like where you are right now. Except for Mogadishu.

Taurus – There’s a lot in the world that needs your attention. Read more international news. The best international news comes from overseas.

Gemini – Ponder: Is Christmas in July just a way of disguising modern colonialism?

Cancer – How’d you go with that mix tape I recently suggested you put together? I recently added Boyz To Men’s “End of the Road” to mine. Not sure if this was a good or a bad move... Write back with your playlist.