(AKA- 'Tim Rich Does Not Write A Media Review')

Here’s the thing about media reviews: they need to be timely. It’s no real help reading a review of a movie or a television show or a book if the said communication is old. You’ve probably either a) already seen it; or b) decided never to ever see it ever, ever, ever (I feel this way about G.I. Joe!).

Well, there aren’t really any new movies out worth spouting off about. The television season is just starting to pick up. So where does that leave me exactly? Without a subject, for one.

My cool roommate said, “Write about me! Write about me!” And I suppose I could have. I could have connected her to early stoic traditions and Battlestar Galactica, something like that. I could have been creative.

But no, that’s not going to happen.

Two things have happened of late, one minor turned major, one medium turned ridiculous. Both vast overreactions. Both telling insights into the American psyche.

First of all, the kids. Let’s talk about the kids. Damnit, we love the kids. Kids all across the world, little pubescent monsters of all shapes and sizes. “The children are our future”, so squeaked the former Mrs. Bobby Brown before the Bolivian marching powder took hold, “teach them well and let them lead the way.” Show them all the blah blah they blah blah blah blah!

Amen to that sistah! So several months ago, our president announced that he planned on giving an address to the schoolchildren of American. He wanted this speech carried nationally so that kids all over the country coould see it. He wanted to talk about the importance of hard work and staying in school. He wanted to get them involved in the process by having them commit to helping move the country forward.

And the Republicans thought that this was… a bad idea?

Of course it’s not surprising when you consider that Obama-bashing has become the national blood sport for those who follow the Limbaugh doctrine. In the past few months the real crazies have come out of the woodwork. Now when our president gives a speech there are cadres of armed militiamen men out front, misquoting some American founder (Jefferson I think) and stating that the tree of liberty must be watered with blood.

Or something like that... It doesn’t really matter if I don’t know the exact quote. They don’t, either.

Oh, and did I mention that they carry loaded guns with them?

On CNN they interviewed one of these guys. They showed him outside a school in Texas handing out leaflets explaining that our president is a communist son of a bitch and that he’s trying to indoctrinate our kids with (gasp!) socialist values.

Now, there was a time when presidents used to give speeches to kids all the time. Reagan, Bush 41… Grandpa Bush just wanted to let the kids know that he cared. So did Uncle Obama. Sure, maybe both of them were just a little bit political (they are, after all, politicians), but if the president wants to talk to school children about why they should work hard and play by the rules, why not just shut up and listen?

“But no!” yelled the Teabaggers. “And this ain’t cause he’s black either! We would never do this because he’s black. I mean, we don’t like black people, but that has nothing to do with this!” (Ok, that part I made up, but do they really not get why they’re so hilarious? What group would actually call itself the teabaggers? It’s like calling yourselves the fluffers!)

The talk happened, some schools chose not to show it, it dominated the media cycle for a few days, and afterwards even Republicans were forced to concede that the speech was pretty legit. In fact, CNN sat with our friend back in Texas as he watched the speech. Even he had to concede that the speech was both positive and maybe even encouraging.

But that was only the half of it.

“You lie!” another one of those squinty wall-eyed monsters yelled when Uncle Obama tried to clarify some misperceptions about the entirely confusing healthcare bills slowly working their way through congress. Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC)… we hardly even knew ya! Now you’re getting bitch slapped from Grandma Pelosi. Oh, you could sense how pissed she was. That is one chica on whose bad side I would not want to be on.

So what happens to him? He’s gets yanked like a fish out of water. At the end of the speech he beat a hasty retreat out of the capital. His own party went cannibal ape shit over his comment. Even Sen. John “Johnny Mack” McCain, my favorite Maverick beer distributor, nailed the guy to a wall. Within 24 hours his opponent raised over $400,000. Boo yah!

There was a time when South Carolina was funny only for Strom Thurmond, its long serving senator who once was a segregationist. Then earlier this summer their governor was caught using state cash to fly to Argentina to visit his mistress. It was all covered “live and direct” (to use a Max Headroomism) by CNN when his wife moved out of the mansion and took all the nice linens with her. Now Joe Wilson. Next thing you know Hilton Head will declare itself a separate republic dedicated to golf and the leisurely acquisition of new BMWs.

And guess who the first resident would be? Me. I’d bring my gun and my liberty tree and my stars and my stripes. I’d carry a suitcase stuffed with Whitney Houston cassette tapes. I’d prowl the streets late at night and when an officer of the law asked me what I was doing I’d answer him in my best Marxist feminist dialect(ic):

“Oh, you know,” I’d say, “just looking for the ghost of old Joe Wilson. You seen him?”

Tim Rich is a freelance writer and man about town based in Portland and Bar Harbor, Maine.  He is a professional political activist.  He spends his free time hiking, reading, and preparing for the National Toboggan Championships, which he fully intends to win.