It is a sad situation for those who walk through the country and towns of this great American nation when they see the streets, the roads, and homes crowded with well behaved children, particularly when that conforming behavior is forced upon them by the heavy hands of parents, teachers and clergymen. How dare society condone the adjustment of our children’s natural tendencies when they come to us automatically predisposed to being well behaved from the start of their conception.

Since the whole of society is beginning to see the errs of the past, and has come to realize that children’s butts are much too precious to ever have the hands of adult swat them, I would like to propose legislation that adults convicted of spanking their children shall have their hands removed on chopping blocks at their local district court houses. The severed hands shall be made beneficial to children since well worked, mature and healthy adult hands are a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, boiled, or even fried.

Women’s hands, depending on her age and occupation could weigh anywhere from 6 to 11 ounces, while men’s hands, depending on age and activity, can range from 8 to as much as 16 ounces each. It is my estimation that in this great nation, there are at least 80 million people who spank children. This computes to 160 million hands averaging about 8 ounces each. This adds up to 80 million pounds of hand meat that could be used to nourish the hungry around the world. Even if, however, only one hand is taken from each person, this still leaves 40 million pounds, which could feed many of the poor in our own nation. Additionally, people would have to be employed to categorize and hand sort the meat by age, sex, and plumpness.

The hands removed from spanking parents could be used in a number of ways the most useful of which (as noted above) is nourishment. However prior to consuming them, it must be stressed that since you never know where they had been, it is best to wash your hands before eating.

One preparation idea is to grind up the hand meat, then insert it into hot pockets. This way, younger children of handless parents would actually have something simple to cook requiring only the pressing of buttons on microwave ovens. A particularly tasty way to prepare adult hands is to roast them palms up placing an apple in each palm. You will know when they are through cooking because the fingers will curl up around the apples.

Additionally, I have heard from a very good source that ladies’ fingers fry up crispy in hot oil and are quite tasty when sprinkled with a little salt and pepper, and many children say that they go particularly well with a dry white wine. That same source has also informed me that the fingers of men taste much better when roasted. And when served with a little steak sauce, children seldom complain.

If, however, the child is squeamish and does not wish to eat the hands that have fed them, and if any particular child should feel excessively corrected, that child may opt to have a taxidermist preserve the severed hands giving the child an opportunity to come to terms with the hands that did the spanking. The child could then play with the hands as if they were action figures or dolls, or the child could release aggression by stomping on those hands until they look like nothing more than dried-up flattened toads.

As far as I’m concerned, having observed the hideous results of misguided parents, and after weighing the beliefs on both sides of the issue, violent parents are grossly misguided when their punishing actions are said to create damaged children who grow up to be either serial killers, or worse, passive aggressive adults! I find it deplorable therefore, that any adult would ever raise a hand against a child. While it is true that a child who gets whacked on the back side will often temporarily respond favorably, it is now known by the whole of society that continuous and consistent actions of this nature will result in cooperative, well behaved, and well socialized children because they are “afraid” of what will happen if they misbehave. Fortunately, we have finally come to understand that we shouldn’t traumatize our kids by using the fear of spanking to control them.

In so much as our children are much too precious a commodity to whack, they are much too sweet and innocent to have the respect of their parents engrained within them by using violence. Parents who wish for this to happen should realize that state and federal government has assumed all relevant roles of parenting except the financial ones, and that our governments reserve the sole right to punish anyone, including you, since they know how to do it right. The proposal I am making will, therefore, fit right into current social and cultural trends.

Not only will my proposal prevent further abuse of already abused children, it will also prevent the abuse of children who are not yet born. Consequently, these unpunished children will exponentially add to the economy of our great nation because parents who at one time would have spanked their children for tantrum throwing at stores will instead have to give in to those tantrums if they want to keep their sanity, as well as their hands.

My proposal would also encourage parents to use their words to get across to unruly children. Simply and calmly state to the child who runs toward the road, “Johnny, if you run into the road, you could get run over by a car.” If this doesn’t work, then keep repeating your self until you are blue in the face, and keep running after the little tyke time and time again until he is mature enough to understand the consequences on his own.

Finally, it’s my belief that after my proposal is taken up by lawmakers, and after enough hands are eaten, it will be a much more wondrous situation for those who walk through the country and towns of this great nation when they see the streets, the roads, and homes crowded with well behaved children, and this good behavior is not forced upon them by the heavy hands of anyone.

(For information on the proposed anti-spanking legislation currently under consideration in California see: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6939415)