Thirty-four days, eleven planes, seven airports, five countries, three four-year olds, one wedding and whole lot of patience - that is the summary of our very first overseas family holiday with the triplets.

After consulting with numerous travelling with kids veterans, I thought I was well prepared. Although I had full intention to, I failed to carry out certain preparation tasks such as showing the offspring pictures of personnel in uniform and teaching them to go to them if they ever got lost, writing their names and my phone number on their stomach, or giving them an ID bag with their flight and passport details. However, I did commend myself on squeezing all our travel needs into one suitcase and having all our things packed and quadruple checked a week before we left. Nevertheless, I did have visions of us in slow-motion, running through a busy airport, knocking people over, dropping food and jackets and boarding passes in a line of destruction while a number of us trip over other people's luggage and perhaps even other children.

An integral part of my preparation was:
• Developing a 'what can go wrong, will go wrong' mindset, which included accepting the inevitability of airport ordeals, jet-lag, and of course tears, temper flares and tantrums - as well as whatever way the offspring would act up. If things ran smoothly, it would be a positive surprise.
• Adopting a 'go-with the flow attitude', despite the knowledge it would take months of damage control to rectify the new, lax standards of parenting once home.
• Setting standards that would deem the holiday a success.

They were:
1. Don't lose any of the kids
2. Retain desire to remain married to spouse
But, like everything to do with parenthood, nothing prepared me for the things that were to occur on our trip. Knowing what I know now, I would have made a much more comprehensive guide for myself. Entirely unconventional and definitely not something that I would recommend anyone to follow, this is what my list would look like.

When Travelling:

- Preparation: The night before a flight, dress offspring in clean clothes in place of sleeping attire. This saves up to an hour of preparation time, while simultaneously saving a reasonable amount of sanity which would otherwise be depleted during repetitive arguments about what to wear, spouts of breaking up fights over whose skirt belongs to whom and numerous instances of questioning why, despite clear instructions offspring are still engaging in activities such as counting floor boards or attempting to zip up carry-on baggage that they have unsuccessfully re-packed to bursting point.

- Airports: Keep offspring as hungry as possible. The busy nature of airports coupled with the likelihood of long periods of waiting allow for ample opportunities for distraction. Food, especially in small denominations (aka cashews, or pretzels you have smashed into small pieces) will help to keep them busy and focused, hence away from activities such as:
• running into shops and fondling ridiculously expensive breakables.
• casually attempting to join other passengers on their trip (most of whom are quite obliging on the account of they do not know your offspring and what they are capable of).
In absence of physical restraints which you will forget to purchase, it is ingenious to keep firm control of a stash of chocolates in order to keep your kid-vultures circling around their sugar-prey and hence, allow you to keep an eye on them.

- On the plane: As tempting as it is, try and fight off your urge to indulge your love of Bollywood films as they are typically three hours long. Stick to short and predictable romantic comedies as your chances of getting uninterrupted viewing time are slim. You will be repeatedly summoned by your offspring (or a flight attendant asking you to tend to your stray offspring) and during quiet intervals your ability to stay awake will be limited. The answer to your question is: sorry, but you will never know how "Ram-Leela" (a Romeo and Juliet inspired Bollywood film) ends.

- Transit: It is a FACT that your offspring will fall asleep at the most inopportune moments during transit. DO NOT let them lie down on any flat surface unless that surface is inside a plane. Otherwise, two minutes prior to boarding, you will get stuck with three sleeping kids, five backpacks and a carry on and no way of getting from the gate to the plane effectively. Luckily, you will find a group of travelers that will help with carrying duties, however you will not realise (because you will forget to check your boarding passes) that you are seated in three separate parts of the plane. The air hostesses will ask you (and one stranger carrying your third child) to wait in the isle while all the passengers board the plane to then attempt to reshuffle you, though you will still end up separated in a three/two formation with a row in between you because for some reason, the other two people at the end of a five-seater row will not offer to move.

- Car Rides: While planes offer the equivalent of kid heaven (hours of back-to-back movies and meals that are akin to ‘a feast’ in kid terms), car rides are just compact curses of confinement. With only boring, majestic views and annoying family bonding opportunities, a five minute car ride can be even more nerve racking than a four hour flight delay when the iPad battery has run out. This is especially the case when attempting to drive on the opposite side of the road you are accustomed to, using printed out Where.is.com directions with no back up of a GPS, no phone coverage, and extremely vague directions from numerous strangers.

At times, you may even find yourself dealing with arguments such as this: While attempting to instill some peacefulness into the automobile travelling experience, one offspring might be playing an imaginary violin to accompany to the classical music you put on. At some point, another offspring might cause a kerfuffle with their attempts to snatch the imaginary violin out of their sister’s hands. The battle may become so heated, that you find yourself saying something like, “If you don’t stop fighting, I’m going to take the violin away!” After seconds of silence, which you mistake as success of having asserted your authority but was actually your offspring assessing your ability to carry out the threat, the fighting will recommence. At that point, there is a possibility that you will reach into the back seat, grasp at thin air and state, "That's it! I’m taking it!" and pull your clenched fist back towards you, placing the invisible item next to you, far from reaching kid hands. The second silence will signify offspring’s mourning of the imaginary instrument, and another point on your ‘handled like a pro’ score card. That is, until, offspring decides, "Well doesn’t matter, because I have another one!" and swiftly pulls out another imaginary violin and begins to play.

Routines While on Holidays:

- Eating: By the third day that your offspring eat ice cream on more than one occasion in the day, start counting the servings as their dairy intake. Furthermore, hot chips (an inevitable kid staple food) most definitely count as vegetables, biscuits count as grains and you can find solace in believing that anything battered has a high enough probability of having protein-based food inside. Encouraging offspring to indulge in native cuisine:
• is likely to be futile.
• might run the risk of offending natives due to expressions of disdain when it does not resemble the familiarity of an oil encrusted potato
• may instill disappointment when the perceived benefit of consumption suffers from overambitious expectations.

For example:

You: Girls, you need to try these meatballs. They’re special Dutch meatballs.
Offspring: Will they make our voice sound Dutch?

- Sleep: In an attempt to become more lenient and accepting of the holiday vibe by releasing the usually regimented home routines, be content in knowing that your parental duty can easily be fulfilled by telling your offspring “If you want to sleep, you let me know, ok?” Bed time should referred to as ‘crash time’, because due to a lack of a reasonable sleeping agenda, offspring will often be found crashed out in obscure places, sometimes in mid-action positions which they had obviously meant to complete but were instead defeated by the sudden onset of sleep, for example mid-bite of a sandwich. Be prepared that any attempts to get offspring to sleep will be met by either:

• Informed rebuttals such as:

Offspring: Is it morning time in Australia?
You: Yes.
Offspring: Well I want to go to Australia. Right NOW.

This then typically leads to a long-winded debate about the likelihood and possibility of the request taking place. OR
• You agreeing to lie down with them “for five minutes”, yet inevitably falling for the trap of horizontal bliss, asleep before any of their heads hit the pillow.

Holiday Activities:
- Sightseeing: While offspring will generally be happy to plod along to any sightseeing opportunities with the promise of ice cream at their destination, there are certain aspects that might be worth considering.

• An archaeological treasure hunt at an Ancient Greek museum is not the best idea for offspring that are clearly made up of Indiana Jones genes and rampant imagination. Their competitive nature and ability to disperse in different directions (possibly at the speed of light) will have you running through the museum – while told not to – to try and track these balls of imminent artifact destruction, thankfully made all the more easier by following shrieks of excitement and victory.
• When describing activities of the day, ensure that you are specific about what you will be doing. Otherwise, you will have to contend with endless (though seemingly unfounded) whining from offspring who just took an amazing cable-car ride up a mountain, because they thought you were going to physically climb the mountain. Likewise, if you tell offspring that you are going to visit a castle, ensure that you reiterate it is an old castle which is no longer inhabited, and most importantly, that they would not get to meet Rapunzel or dine with the Queen.
• Do not attempt to understand or rectify the whining nature of four year olds whose every need and want is seemingly being met. Being away has an inevitable way of magnifying kids’ demands and perceived entitlements. One of you might even get punched in the groin due to your unresponsiveness to purchasing a mermaid swimming costume that is spotted as you are passing a shop window, despite the fact that you are on the way to get ice cream. While attempting to deal with amazing acrobatics and feats of human strength of feuding children that are strapped into their car seats, do not attempt to rationalise it with statements such as “Why are you whining and fighting?! We are taking you to a PARK! We are not taking you to the salt mines!!!” This will only spark a myriad of questions about what the salt mines are, and what happens there, and how it happens, and why it is so unfavourable to be taken to the salt mines, and then what happens to the salt from the mines. This follows on to a new line of questioning about the salt factory, which leads offspring to come to the conclusion that the salt factory has lots of salt shakers and for a fact, people use gloves which are blue and green and red, but most definitely not yellow. You may make the mistake of relying on this newfound bargaining chip to say things like “Ok, if you don’t behave in the car, I’m taking you to the salt mines!” You will, of course, use this threat one time too many, as offspring will soon become curious and ask you to take them to see the salt mines, now that they have learned so much about them – and more whining will ensue when you are unable to.

- Events: When attending once in a lifetime events, such as a wedding, ensure that offspring are seated close enough to see what is happening, but not too close so as to be heard when they ask loudly right in the middle of the ceremony something like, "...but WHY are they getting married?!"

- Culture shock: When visiting different places, it is important to understand the culture of the people, and furthermore, realise that sometimes you will do things that will seem strange to the locals, such as:
• Wear seatbelts in a car
• Put on long-sleeve swimming costumes to protect your kids from the sun
• Buy sunscreen instead of tanning oil (which by the way, cost €20 a bottle)
• Expect shops to be open between 2:00pm-5:00pm or any time on Sunday.

Epilogue:
The last thing on my travel guide list is the most important. That is, it is important to realise that the new cultures your children experience is something that is more valuable than any souvenir, even more than those handmade porcelain dolls that will get broken in transit. Enjoy the way that your offspring perceive each destination as a 'different world', and talk to each other about all the different 'lands' they have been to. Listen to their stories about how their lives will be when they grow up and visit all the lands again, describing in intricate detail what their castles will be like and their ambitions of building you a castle next to theirs, with assurances that there is no need to worry about the guards because they will definitely let you in. Watch as they learn to communicate with other children who do not speak their language, simply by bonding over cherry-spitting contests and choreographed renditions of Frozen's "Let It Go." Laugh at their joy from playing with rocks or making a stew from grass and dirt with other children. Absorb the way that family members who they have never met before become a part of them within a moment of togetherness. Notice the traits that they naturally share with their relatives and feel the closeness through the sadness of their goodbyes. Be thankful for all you will see and do, and hopefully do it all again one day soon.

Born in Skopje, Macedonia, Daniela Ifandoudas is a high school teacher and mother of triplet daughters living in Sydney Australia. When not preoccupied with crowd control, chauffeur duties and keeping up with her offspring’s ridiculously busy social schedule, she makes time to write and spend time with her loving husband Peter... mostly strategising over the best way to tackle crowd control, chauffeur duties and offspring’s social schedule.