7 Reasons Why Halloween MUST DIE

1) Candy corn. It's wax and food coloring and evil all combined into one. If anyone tells you they enjoy eating it, cut them out of your life immediately- they can't be trusted.

2) Every year I invariably cut my hand open trying to carve a crappy, toothless face into a vegetable that I hated being forced to eat as a kid. Screw you, pumpkins.

3) Speaking of toothless, my kids consume approximately three-hundred pounds of dental rot candy each and every Halloween. I know candy is awesome but there's a good reason why 'strangers with candy' is a warning mantra.

4) In five years my daughter will be sixteen. That means the annual debate of 'no you can't dress up for Halloween as a sexy nurse/cat/cowgirl/chimney sweep is only looming closer. I'm aready worried about this.

5) Horror movie re-runs. My wife has already seen Halloween a million times. She hates it. It scares the crap out of her. And yet, every year she dives right back into another viewin which then inevitably prompts her to go on a ten day run of being irrationally jumpy and suggesting we purchase a panic room for the house. I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS.

6) I have my own kids. They're a handful as it is. One night of the year or not, I don't need five hours of needy little delinquents showing up on my doorstep expecting me to fork over candy lest they egg my car. Get off my porch, already...

7) This guy. Enough said: