I said ...Sure, tell me when.... In China, drunken promises are made easily and often forgotten about by morning. I was conscious that if I didn't watch myself someone could be reading my eulogy. Chinese people never say no to a request, especially not when the request comes after loads of drinks and classy cigarettes. If they really can't perform the task, they'll try to back out later, which is what I planned to do.

The mob bosses left soon afterwards. One had begun throwing up between his legs at the table. That's a funny thing here, drinking is an important part of the culture, essential for giving and receiving 'face'. Even if someone can't hold their drinks so well they will still drink a lot in certain situations when its necessary. So after finishing his business under the table, this mafia man proudly got up to offer me one last toast, before stumbling out with the others.

The next night I went back to the bar. I didn't mention what had been discussed the night before, and although the boss talked about the problem with Wang and his chicken, he didn't say anything about what I had agreed to do. A few nights later he brought it up. He revived the matter in the way important requests are usually made here and got me drunk first. I thought nothing of it when he sat down and bought me a beer, but when he brought out a bottle of Jack Daniels, I started to suspect something was up. He still didn't mention anything at first and we drank and chatted, but after most of the bottle was gone, and after what I thought was a trip to the WC he came back and handed me a small disposable camera.

...What's this for?... I asked.

...Tomorrow night, the chicken come to my bar. I tell her I want to discuss some business with her. You come here ten o'clock. Sit down over there. You order one bottle Chivas Regal. When my waitress bring the drink she bring you key to your room. Shangri La hotel. The chicken sit at that table over there. Just keep looking at her. Smile. When I leave, you bring her glass of Chivas Regal....

...But she won't be that stupid. She won't do anything with me in here. She knows you'd tell Wang....

...Doesn't matter. You don't leave with her. Tell her she beautiful. Tell her you want make love with her. Tell her you stay Shangri La hotel. Tell her you pay money. Tell her you room number. Drink one glass Chivas Regal with her, then you leave. She follow you to Shangri La hotel....

...I can do that, but she might not come....

...She come. She just a roadside chicken. She come. You rich and beautiful foreigner. Pay money. She come. When she come to room. You take picture. Don't need fuck. Can if you want, but don't need. Take picture. Come here, I wait for you here. Take this money, pay for drinks, give to chicken. Give you more when you come back....

The next night I came to the bar at ten. I sat where I had been told to sit, and ordered a bottle of Chivas. The waitress brought it over, along with a key'card and a small piece of paper which said ...room 1708.... The chicken was sitting on the next table. I made eye contact with her as much as possible, and she smiled back. Once the boss of the bar had left her table, I walked over. I smiled and in broken Chinese told her she was beautiful.

...Thankyou,... she said.

...Would you like some Chivas Regal?...

...Hao de..., she replied.

She asked me what I was doing in town. I said I was here for a few days on business, staying at the Shangri La. I told her again that I thought she was beautiful. I told her she should come to my room, Room 1708. I told her I was dying to make love to her. I told her money wasn't an issue for me. Suddenly, she started yelling at me, insulting me. She told me that I would have "a son with no arsehole." I turned around, red-faced, and went to leave. On the way out, the boss came over to me and asked, ...Did you tell her you room number?...

...Yep, but did you see that? She was pretty angry, maybe she's not as bad as you think....

...I still want you go Shangri La hotel. Wait there one hour. If she not come, you come back here....

I went to the hotel and waited. I turned on the TV and got CNN. Yep, even in central China. There was a phone call. ...Massagi?... the girl asked.

"No thanks."

After about 45 minutes, I was sure the chicken wasn't coming and I started to get ready to leave, but there was a knock at the door. She told me that the people in the bar knew her, so she couldn't let anyone think she was leaving with me. We sat down and had a drink. After a while, she asked me what I wanted to do. I suggested a shower, and then we could go to bed.

...Ok, but first, you pay money....

...How much?...

...Five'thousand....

Five'thousand yuan is about $600 US dollars and is quite a lot money. I guess she figured that she was in the Shangri La with a foreign businessman, so she'd try it on. What did I care? It wasn't my money so I gave it to her. I stood up and led her to the bathroom. She started to strip...

She was actually quite beautiful and for a moment I thought I could have my cake and eat it too, but that would interfere with my plan. I had hidden the camera under a towel on the sink, and I figured that I'd have a pretty good chance of out-running her once I took the pics if she was wet and naked. She asked me if I was shy because I hadn't started undressing. I told her I wasn't, I just liked to watch. She smiled and slipped out of her underwear. She stepped into the shower and turned the water on. That part was true, I do like to watch, so I enjoyed the show for a little while before turning around to take the camera.

She had her eyes closed, but she noticed the flash. I was totally unprepared for the speed at which she leapt from the shower. I hardly had time to turn when she tackled me from behind. I fell into the bedroom and started crawling towards the door. She was on top of me clawing at my back and shrieking abuse. Holding the camera out in front of me I rolled over and managed to break free. I ran for the door. She tried to pull me back in, but I was pulling her out. I thought she'd leave me alone once I got outside, being naked, but she didn't. Once in the corridor she leapt on my back and started pulling at my hair. I guess she realised the seriousness of her problem if those picture's made it to Wang's family. It was the most painful piggy-back ride I've ever given, with her kicking, scratching and pulling my hair as I struggled towards the elevator. This was the seventeenth floor and I couldn't imagine fighting her all the way down the stairs. I don't remember what song was playing, but it might have been the Girl From Ipanema.

It would've been an interesting scene to watch: a well dressed foreigner running around in circles, holding a camera above his head, trying to avoid the attacks of a crazed and naked Chinese woman, with ...Dooo, do doooo, do doooo, do doo do doo do.. the girl from Ipanema goes walking, and...... playing in the background waiting for the elevator to arrive. Someone must have been watching it on the security cameras, because when we arrived at the ground floor there were two security guards waiting. I started yelling, ...Help! Help! She's crazy! Get her off me,... hoping they would go for her and let me get away, but they grabbed both of us and called the police.

As we waited two guards restrained the woman, who wouldn't stop screaming and lunging for me. I was a little bit worried, since although rife, prostitution is illegal in China and many police officers would love to catch a foreigner in the act. But I was reassured that with my connections there wouldn't be any major trouble. I called my friend, the boss of the bar, and told him what had happened. He told me not to worry about a thing, he would take of everything.

When the police arrived they had already been briefed. The officer in charge immediately apologised for the behaviour of the security guards and gave me a pack of cigarettes. He told me I could go and asked me to pass on his regards to my 'friends'.

Everything worked out perfectly. They kept the girl in prison for a month for engaging in lewd conduct. Wang saw the picture and heard what happened at the hotel, and decided he was finished with her. Wang's brother-in-law decided that going to prison was shameful enough and gave up on the idea of killing her, and I made some pretty powerful friends. They offered me $10,000 US dollars for helping them solve the 'chicken problem', but I didn't take the money. I knew that having these kinds of connections would be invaluable in the future, and apart from the scratch marks all over my back, it was pretty fun.