Leo – Are you sick of that friend always going on about how much weight they’ve lost? Me too! This month, invite them over for dinner and serve the following: line a bowl with fried chips and sauce. Take 1 cooked meat pie and place on top of the chips. Cover the meat pie with 1 fried egg. Layer the egg with 2 strips of bacon, blanket with cheese and melt. Finish with homemade tomato and onion salsa, add salt to taste. P.S. This is a real recipe.

Virgo – Smart phones, tablets, laptops, phone watches. Electronic devices are filling out heads with content like never before. This month, read a novel, it's a laxative for the mind.

Libra – What's in a name? A lot! We use a face washer to wash our butts, though if you were given a butt-washer would you wash your face?

Scorpio – In Rugby League when you score it’s called a 'try'. Is that because 'endeavour' was too difficult to spell?

Sagittarius – Next time you get dressed ask yourself, "Do these clothes flatter my physique or my personality?"

Capricorn – Radio announcers promote songs to help sell the music. This month sell your sexual potency and promote your sexual positions after coitus.

Aquarius – If you were to think in predictive text, what would you be saying now?

Pisces – Is it just me or is there a correlation between the increased size of TV’s and the decreasing size of bookshelves? Pen an equation that explains this social phenomena.

Aries – Finances need a boost. Make a slip 'n slide roller derby around your backyard Hills Hoist. I'd pay good money to watch that!

Taurus – LSD makes you trip balls! I put it to you to create a non-chemical stimulant to open up the unknown doors in your mind. Added bonus, you'll be helping to stop the ilicit drug trade!

Gemini – If poetry is food for the soul, what's the beverage?

Cancer – If a man is knighted he's called Sir and his wife a Lady. If a gay man is knighted what’s his husband called? Spend time this month on giving due value to this new noun.