I often find myself sitting on the couch yanking my hair out by the roots.

Remarkably, I don't feel a thing until my mind wanders away from concerns of 'who is being evicted from the house?' or 'who is being voted off the island?' to my own thoughts. Struggling to be noticed, my thoughts scream out, 'You're in pain and need to go to the bathroom!'

These examples are just two illustrations of the classic symptoms of 'Necroencephalosis' (N.E)' a condition characterised by an inability to think rationally and/or independently, a loss of awareness, loss of common sense, loss of creativity and (most disturbingly) loss of time. In simple terms, people afflicted with N.E are said to be 'brain'dead'.

People afflicted with Cryptic N.E are brain'dead but don't know it. Unfortunately, most people (especially teens and pre'teens) fall into this category.

Case in point: Last week, I observed my fifteen'year'old nephew watching television. Why would he ever feel the urge to partake of illegal drugs? On any day he can, simply and legally, sit at home in a mind'numbed stupor transfixed on the TV. It was obvious he had no idea he was in such a catatonic state with his eyes glazed over, mouth open and drooling, and watching a talking yellow sponge as if he were tripping on acid. Looking at my nephew that day, I would testify in any court of law that he was under the influence. Cryptic N.E is particularly debilitating to our youngsters today.

N.E can be further defined as being acute or chronic.

Acute N.E occurs swiftly when a relatively normal person (through no fault of their own) is suddenly exposed to television's necrotic effects without warning. In this acute version of the condition, exposure is brief and may occur, for example, when the victim reflexively glances toward strange sounds emanating from a TV. Then he or she (as in one observation, where the subject witnessed a young lady dressed in a bikini struggling to eat a cow uterus) immediately begins losing both intelligence and perception of time. Another route of exposure may be a careless family member or friend that might offer an invitation ignorant of the consequences, such as, 'Hey, watch this!' Fortunately, the effects of acute N.E brain death are temporary, and begin to reverse shortly after a brief exposure is discontinued.

Since the early '70's, the number of chronically N.E brain'dead children has increased significantly thanks to shows like The Brady Chumps, Captain Kanga'loony and Sesame Sleep. Recent studies show, however, this form of the condition overwhelmingly targets adults more frequently than children, and tends to be more severe in adults who frequently need a 'fix'' self'medicating by purposely exposing themselves to repeated doses of soap operas and/or so'called 'reality' shows. If a steady supply of the mind'killing stimuli is not provided, then the victim will suffer withdrawal symptoms: otherwise known as 'Television Detachment Syndrome' or T.D.S.

Subsequently, the U.S. Centres for Disease Control and Prevention (C.D.C) has issued a list of current programs that studies show are responsible for most of today's brain dead.

Included on the list are the following: Oh Brother, Freak Factor, Skankvivor, The Amazing Waste, Somebody Marry My Dad, Who Doesn't Want to Marry a Millionaire, Stupid Nanny, Spouse Swapping, As My Stomach Churns and Lays of Our Guys.

To counter the devastation caused by these programs, the C.D.C has also issued a list of more productive activities that can be performed in lieu of watching them.

Among the more productive activities noted: tiddly'winks, thumb twiddling, tongue clicking and making popping noises with one's finger and cheek.

As noted earlier, time loss is a typical symptom of N.E. and is responsible for many failed marriages, countless late and/or missing homework assignments, unkempt homes, innumerable children staying up past bed'time, and hours upon hours of inactivity, all certainly contributing to the current obesity epidemic. In addition, many accounts of time loss once attributed to UFO abductions are now being explained by television'induced acute N.E. As an illustration of the extent of time loss being suffered, recent studies indicate a nearly seven year total loss of time over the course of an average lifespan committed to television watching.

N.E is a condition easily common to Americans where virtually every home has two or more televisions. The current brain'dead watch television everywhere. Aside from living rooms, they watch it in kitchens, bedrooms, dens, offices, day'care centres, hospital rooms, bars, and even on 'camping' trips with portable TV's. Frighteningly, where we are now in the midst of a rampant N.E epidemic, victims appear in all walks of life, many in some of the most critical professional positions of modern society, from teachers to policemen, judges to doctors. It's quite likely that you've inadvertently encountered many such victims in your daily life, lacking intelligence and common sense as hallmark indicators of their N.E affliction.

It goes without saying that an N.E addict must receive an intervention from loved ones and professional counselling in order to begin reversal of brain dead symptoms so that the critical step of inducing Television Detachment Syndrome (T.D.C) can begin. Only after long periods of time spent engaging the brain'dead in other activities beyond the reach of a television can chronic symptoms reverse.

Simultaneously with efforts aimed at inducing recovery, preventative measures are also critical to keeping N.E at bay. Young parents must, for instance, realise that utilising television sets as a New Age baby'sitting device merely helps to perpetuate the condition among the defenceless.

At this point in our history N.E as a condition may well be here to stay, but we can certainly temper its expansion, and at the end of the day simply turning televisions off, smashing or even tossing them in a dump can do nothing but help. Ultimately, avoiding N.E altogether is paramount to successful eradication of this most serious problem.

Daniel Taverne is a legally blind veteran who has a background in bricklaying, Occupational therapy and writing. View his discussion groups athttp://dan38.proboards41.com